Time is Money

​ As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that Time is money'?" "Well, it's a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?" the driver answered. "Look, the digits in the meter are still run...
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Only One Instance

​ Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word "Fool". Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words...
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heard on a public bus

​ "When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step." "If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
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Amnesia

​A senile actress went to see a doctor. The doctor inquired, "How old are you?" The actress said, "Twenty-two." So the doctor scribbled down on her case history "Amnesia."
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The Cost of Marriage

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
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What is a Traitor

​ Young hopeful:Father, what is a traitor in politics? Father (a veteran politician):A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one. Young hopeful:Well then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours? Father:A...
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Who's Better Satisfied

"A person with six children or a person with $6 million, who is better satisfied? Why?" "The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more."
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Not to be Taken Out

​ Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely. "Yes, you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a r...
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The Bald Guy

One day, he went out hunting with some friends. A strong wind suddenly blew his wig off. When his friends saw what had happened, they started laughing so hard that they could not stop. The bald guy started laughing, too, and just as loudly as the oth...
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I’m the Biggest Liar

​ Stranger: Catch any fish? Fisherman: Did I! I took forty out of this stream this morning. Stranger: Know who I am? I'm the game warden. Fisherman: Know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the state.
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Christmas Service

​ It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.\ "Well," said the clergyman, "I guess there's no point in...
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Buy an Ass

​A man wanted to buy an ass. He went to the market, and saw a likely one. But he wanted to test him first. So he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses. The new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place ne...
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All I Do is Pay

​ "My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague."My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary." "Sounds interesting,"his colleague replied. "And what is your posit...
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A Panda in a Bar

​A panda walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve pandas here." But the panda says, "Just give me something to eat, and then I'll go." The bartender says, "Oh, all right." So the panda eats the food that the bartender gives him. So ...
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Doctor's Orders

​ Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse? Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc. Doctor: Following my orders? What are you t...
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The Psychiatrist

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr.Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."  
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You Were Flying too Low

​ A motorist speeding along a highway at 80 miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. "Was I driving too fast?" asked the motorist apologetically. "Hell no," replied the policeman. "You were flying too low!"
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Interview

​ My battery commander and I were interviewing candidate", for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander poin...
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Large Uniforms

During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the ...
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All-purpose Dissolvent

A young man saw Edison, said, "I want to develop a sort of all-purpose dissolvent, by which can dissolve all materials," Edison asked a question in reply, "In that case, what container shall you hold it with?"
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